The Love Connection
Our trello name, when I made the effort to make it, you learned on how to use it and I don’t know what happened to myself but got lost or got caught up in all the things going on in my life that I end up neglecting it. Sorry :(
I strive to be better, to always step higher than where I’ve been before, but I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t truly happy. I was a type of happy before I reconnected with you. When I worked a mediocre job at Muji and when I was working on myself from a breakup. Honestly, everything changed. I was caught up working 3 different jobs in a week but I was somehow happy. The co workers I loved working with left, the guy I was having dinners with left, everything started just falling apart that summer. Then a new chapter started and that’s where you came along. I wasn’t sure to call it a new chapter or a chapter I went back to and still continued to pursue.
I gave the curiousity of my old seventeen year old self a chance. The what if I finally gave Ulysses an opportunity to be anything to be an us or a chance to talk? When you msged me to reconnect this bridge we had, my life stopped, my world and everything stopped. I’m not trying to be dramatic or overreacting but seriously the guy who told me off to be out of his life is now msging me to reconnect. I didn’t know what to feel or how to reply. I gave the phone to my best friend because I honestly didnt know how to respond. I wasn’t sure if that message was a good or bad thing. I admit I do overthink and analyze the many possibilities the outcome could turn out to be, I wasn’t even sure if that’s just the Aquarius in me.
The point of all this. I don’t regret reconnecting with you again. I don’t regret flying back and forth. I don’t regret having faith in you. I don’t regret anything.
It does hurt to think about our last conversation, it really broke me to the point idk why I’m even writing this but then again I do because I know deep down I fucking love you very much. You mean everything not even the world, you mean everything to me.
This isn’t just some crush or relationship you just let go and move on from. No matter how many people tell me that there’s others out there, and even if I’m single, I know you still have my heart. People tell me over and over again that it probably wasn’t meant to be or since all these other factors distracted us maybe that was a sign. A sign to not be together anymore or that we weren’t compatible. Or the fact that he couldn’t fight for me, made him look like a wuss or that he didn’t deserve me. Or that I wasn’t good enough and that’s why I was treated the way how I was treated.
As much I don’t want to think about everything and all the factors that revolve around what may be the causes.
All in all, I know where I stand. I know how I feel. I know I’m not going crazy. I can be miles or even continents away, but I still love you. It doesn’t matter that we’re not together or even contacting, I’ve accepted that.
If you know me, I can’t hide how I feel inside.
I still love him a lot and I’m not shy or afraid to say that to anyone.
My mom can even tell you.
I met someone who definitely was sort of the opposite of me. He would wear basic tees and rugby shorts, try roller skating on these skates I’ve never seen before, be obsess with his car and Tom Brady, leaves Parks and Recreation on while he sleeps, and much more. It might have seem that I was trying to change him but instead I fell for him harder for the way he was. I’m not the showy type and I definitely am a perfectionist when it comes to photography and what I’m into. But I’ve always wanted to include him in anything that I do. I got used to calling us a we, because he said that we were a “we”. And not just because he said that I believed it, I felt that we became a we. If that makes sense lol.
I got into the things he enjoyed because it made him and I both happy. Just as I know he would do the same.
I don’t need anything at all, nothing materialistic, nothing larger than life, I just want him to be happy. He did his best to make me happy whether or not I even wanted whatever gestures he did. I just want the same for him because though he’s a simple person, he’s generous and has a kind and big heart. Idk if I’m to blame for hurting or making him feel worse but like I said, we will never know unless someone makes the first step.
First step for what, idk. But I’m just letting myself express and for whoever reads this, I’m doing okay. I’m just laying here and I guess I’m just imagining as if I said this to him in person. It might not mean much but it means a lot to me. If I hold onto this any longer it just might hurt more so I’m letting it go here.
My friends and family are the type to lose hope easily on such things. I understand they want what’s best for me and they don’t want to see me contemplating. But I myself know what I need.
Yes I have dreams and aspirations but what is it all for in the end of the day. Watching the Pixar movie Coco, made me realize you can have everything in the end, but what’s left won’t make you happy.
When I was in first grade, I ask myself why out of all the people we met, why’d you have to leave, why’d you have to find me on myspace, why’d we see each other again at 17, why’d we went our separate ways, why’d we reconnected again at 24?
I don’t believe this is all for nothing. What happened to the spark that was there to begin with, what happened to everything that was said, written, msged …
Why come back to just break my heart?